Rewards & Punishments

When I tell people that we don’t use rewards, punishments, or consequences in our home, I usually get the same response—confusion, maybe even disbelief.

"But how do they learn?"
"Won’t they just run wild?"
"How will they cope in the real world?"

The assumption is that without punishments, children won’t learn accountability. And without rewards, they won’t be motivated. But here’s what I’ve learned—especially as a neurodivergent parent raising neurodivergent children: they don’t need external motivators to succeed. They don’t need to be controlled, coerced, or managed. What they do need is understanding, autonomy, and the chance to develop their own sense of right and wrong.

Punishments Teach Fear, Not Morality

A while ago, one of my daughters got frustrated and lashed out, hitting me in the heat of the moment. My instinct—thanks to a lifetime of seeing traditional parenting in action—told me she needed a consequence. But then I paused.

Would punishing her actually help her understand what she did? Or would it just make her afraid of getting caught?

If I had reacted with a punishment—taking away her iPad, sending her to her room—what would she have learned?
🔹 That her emotions were dangerous.
🔹 That she had to hide big feelings rather than process them.
🔹 That I wasn’t safe to come to when she was overwhelmed.

What she wouldn’t have learned is why hurting others is wrong. She wouldn’t have linked her action to my feelings. She wouldn’t have developed emotional regulation—just fear of consequences.

This is especially true for autistic children, who often experience emotional dysregulation. Punishment doesn’t teach self-regulation; it teaches avoidance. Research shows that punitive discipline increases anxiety and aggression in neurodivergent children rather than reducing it (Gershoff & Grogan-Kaylor, 2016).

So instead of punishing her, I sat with her and said, “I can see you're really upset. Do you want to tell me what’s going on?” She wasn’t in trouble. She wasn’t being forced to apologise. We just talked.

She learned that her feelings were valid, but her actions had an impact. That she could express emotions in a safer way. That I was there to guide her, not shame her.

Why Rewards Are Just as Harmful—Especially for Neurodivergent Kids

If punishment teaches fear, rewards teach compliance.

Think about it: every time a child is rewarded for doing what an adult wants, they’re being conditioned to ignore their own needs. For neurodivergent kids—who often struggle with interoception (understanding their body’s signals) and setting boundaries—this is dangerous.

If we reward a child for:
✔️ Making eye contact
✔️ Sitting still
✔️ Masking their distress

…what are we actually teaching them?

That their natural way of being isn’t good enough. That their comfort matters less than pleasing others. That overriding their own needs is the only way to succeed.

Autistic and ADHD children are already at higher risk of burnout because they feel pressured to mask their true selves (Mandy et al., 2017). When we reward compliance, we’re reinforcing that pressure. We’re telling them that their worth is tied to how well they meet neurotypical expectations.

And it doesn’t stop in childhood. Reward-based conditioning creates adults who:
⚠️ Struggle with boundaries.
⚠️ Stay in toxic workplaces because they’re praised for pushing through.
⚠️ Are more vulnerable to manipulation because they’ve been conditioned to ignore their discomfort.

I don’t want my daughters growing up thinking they have to push past exhaustion to be “good.” I want them to trust themselves.

So What’s the Alternative?

If we remove punishments and rewards, what’s left? How do children learn?

They learn by developing their own moral compass. By understanding why something is harmful, not just avoiding it to escape punishment. By making choices based on empathy and self-awareness—not fear or external validation.

Instead of saying “That behaviour is bad, go to your room”, we can say:
👉 “I can see you’re struggling. Let’s figure out what’s going on.”
👉 “That action hurt someone. How do you think we can make it right?”
👉 “Your needs matter too. Let’s find a way that works for both of us.”

Raising Neurodivergent Kids to Thrive—Not Just Comply

I don’t want my daughters to grow up simply knowing how to obey. I want them to know how to advocate for themselves.

I want them to say “no” when something doesn’t feel right.
I want them to recognise manipulation and walk away.
I want them to build relationships based on mutual respect, not control.

Because that’s what will truly prepare them for life.